Glitches from the Pandemic

Three-Act Play

(Non)Personae

(in order of appearance)

Laura

Bob

Chatbot Airhostel

Morta

Alexa

Voca

Siri

Sveta

Chatbot It/Her

Mike

Mike’s Neighbour

To Be Read Out Loud

Laura, Morta and Sveta find themselves caught in Pandemic City. With no humans around, they need to figure out how to interact with true urbanites: chat-bots, algorithms, messages, and other types of welcoming and not-so-welcoming cyborg creatures. They face a true challenge. While the world convinces them that techno-utopianism is the new black, Laura, Morta and Sveta do not accept a fetishised frame in which ‘innovations’ are treated as somehow emancipatory and progressive ‘things.’ Well, maybe sometimes they are, but Laura, Morta and Sveta need to find it out for themselves. What they learn is that in the same way that there are no best practices, there are similarly no best bodies. There are no smart cities – only intelligent cities with empowered citizens. In Glitches from the Pandemic, people are stuck inside platform urbanism. It is a discursive and theoretical attempt to highlight what tech-companies do to our cities, to our once municipal services, to city governments, to bodies. At the core of this three-act play are our intimate relations with digital platforms and the deep secrets they know about us: our habits when it comes to buying and consuming food, sex, and clothes, all of which they control and measure. This is a real struggle in mundane life, stuffed with tactical choices. Even if these are slutty-ish choices.

ACT N.1

Automated Vacation

Laura and Bob are stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. They are in a rented car and the overheat is kicking. Both on edge, they need to reach their vacation destination. In the pandemic city after the lockdown, they are waiting to know where to collect the keys from their Airhostel host. They have no contact with their host, only access to the digital platform via their smartphones. They are still ignoring the fact that this vacation will be completely automated. Their host doesn’t respond to their multiple messages and the phone number is disconnected.

***

Airhostel bot 1:32 PM

Hi, thanks for contacting us.

We’re here to get you the support you need. Do you need help with this reservation? ***** in ****. 2 Guests. August 1-5.

Laura 1:35 PM

Yes.

Airhostel bot 1:43 PM

What else should we know? The more details, the better.

Please avoid providing sensitive personal info (e.g. credit card numbers). Some requests are sent to third-party community experts to provide quicker responses.

Laura 1:44 PM

Our host cancelled at the last minute. We want to be refunded.

Airhostel bot 1:45 PM

Is this about one of these things?

Refunds

Cancellation

Others

Laura 1:45 PM

[ticking Refunds option]

Airhostel bot 1:45 PM

Do you still need help?

Laura 1:46 PM

Yes, I still need help.

Airhostel bot 1:50 PM

Thanks for the info. This answer may help:

Refunds options for your reservation. If your travel plans have changed due to Covid-19, you can change or cancel your reservation from your trips page.

Go to your trips

Learn more

Laura 1:55 PM

I still need help.

Airhostel bot 1:58 PM

Thanks for letting us know. We’re sorry that we can’t help you over the phone right now.

You can wait for a reply from a support specialist or try contacting us again later.

Wait for a reply

Contact us again later

Laura 1:58 PM

[ticking Wait for a reply]

Three hours and twenty-eight minutes later:

Message from Airhostel Service

We’re forwarding you to a team that can better assist you.

Airhostel Support 5:28 PM

Hi Laura. I just want to follow up. I can see that you clicked the option Wait for a reply.

I want to let you know that our Extenuating Circumstances regarding Covid-19 are available at this link: https://www.airhostel.com/help /extenuating-circumstances-policy-and-the-coronavirus-covid19.

I just want to ask if there’s anything else I can assist you with? Please let me know, so I can further assist you. By the way, it’s almost the end of my shift and I will be out of the office for two days, so I might not be able to respond after this. You can send all your queries here on our thread, and I will address all of it once I get back to the office. Thanks.

***

Laura: Okay Bob, now you tell me what we’re gonna do! We don’t have so much money left… you don’t have any gigs around, do you? We are kind of screwed, you as a DJ especially, aren’t you? I told you that Airhostel platform was a pervert! The poorer we are, the more we need them… I am sure that support will put us in contact with the host, just to force us to negotiate. Airhostel does not refund anyone! If there is someone to blame this on it is fucking capitalism, putting people against people…

Bob: Laura wait! Don’t freak out…

Laura: You know what, I am so fed up with your tech-optimism and savvy-ness.

Bob: Let me check the extenuating-circumstances policy.

Laura: I don’t like the dependency on chat-bots and stupid policies. I don’t want to spend my energy providing feedback, data and all my shit to these unicorns from Silicon Valley.

Bob: You were the one saying that it was much more convenient than hotels…

Laura: Yes, because it is a slutty-ish choice… we are precariat Bob! Millennials-bourgeois-bohemian caught up in a capitalist nightmare! Platforms are everywhere. Our dependency on the smartphone is even stronger than emotional dependency. Haven’t you been observing us at home? During this pandemic we spend at least four hours every day on our phones. I don’t want to be locked inside any kind of digital platform. Instagram, Airhostel, Facebook, Uber… Call me a bitch, call me a slut, whatever… but I will quit this dependency… I want to have a digital detox, but also from you Bob… you sound like a bot. I do not have access to your sentiments. I have only access to your knowledge…

Bob U there? Bob…

Bob: August is still a typical Fordist time to go on vacation.

ACT N.2

I Know My Birthday

(Morta enters)

Morta: Hi! My name is Morta. This is the 126th day I’ve stayed at home since the Covid-19 outbreak. My best and only companion in the real world is my cat. Her name is Voca, an 11-year-old ginger lady. Like most young urban creatives, I work from my home studio. I do yoga and meditation with Apps. My daily grocery trip works perfectly with online purchase platforms. What is great about living in the city centre is that delivery fees are incredibly low. I really enjoy this ‘stay local and consume global’ lifestyle! Although not being able to go out is a bit sad, with FaceTime, Messenger video calls – I toasted to friends with good French wine. Yes, I’ve indulged myself with good quality food since travel and going out are temporarily impossible. I am actually busy just by staying in my apartment. I have subscribed to Netflix, Disney+, Apple TV+ and Amazon Prime video. Half of them are paid for by my company, so why not?! How do I manage my platform-hopping life? My house secretaries do actually, namely Siri and Alexa (I called them ‘Si’ and ‘Ale’). They help me with everything.

(beeeeeeeeeep)

Morta: Oh! It’s time for lunch! I often forget to eat when I get into work, Siri helps me to remember. Hey Siri! Please stop the alarm. Hey Siri! Please search for ‘best lunch for yogi’.

Siri: There are 310 results for ‘best lunch for yogi’. Please choose.

Morta: For god’s sake… okay, hey Siri! Please search ‘Salad bowl for yogi with avocado’

Siri: Here come results for ‘Salad bowl for yogi with avocado’

(Morta checks on screen)

(Looks back to the camera)

Morta: I’ve been ordering organic food from the online grocery platform. You know, the best thing about algorithms is that once you’ve started using them, Facebook and Instagram automatically recommend other similar online grocery platforms to you. I’ve tried many of them. I’m a supporter of local products (#supportyourlocal). I know avocado isn’t local but it tastes so good….

(Opens the fridge, takes out avocado and other things)

Morta: Alexa! Can you tell me why avocado tastes so good?

Alexa: According to Wikipedia… (starts reading)

Morta: Damn it! (with mashed avocado on her hands) The most annoying thing with avocado is that you never know how exactly ripe it is from the outside. I’ve told myself to get an avocado cutting tool 20 times. Alexa! Stop reading! Search for ‘avocado cutting tool’.

(Bing! from phone)

Morta: Who’s that?! Don’t you understand I’m trying to make my lunch salad? Hey Siri! Read the message for me.

Siri: Here is the message from Telegram: ‘Ola pinky slutty, do you want to have some cyber fun with me?’ Sent from Tiago445 at 12:47.

(Alexa is still reading about avocado cutting tools…)

Morta: What? I don’t know this person or account. Hey Alexa! Mark the message as spam. (Alexa stopped) Hey Siri! Mark the message as spam. Alexa! You can continue.

(Morta cleans her hands)

(Alexa still reading about avocado cutting tool options)

Morta: (Check the phone) Oh no! Actually I do know the person. I just don’t remember his account. His name is James, why does it use this weird account name? Um…he’s my…online sex buddy. He lives in Brazil and with the time difference we do things at unusual times. But actually it makes things a bit more exciting. I am going to un-spam the message and see what’s going on…

Alexa: According to users’ reviews, this avocado cutting knife got voted the most highly recommended...

(Morta still stares at her phone, with one hand stirring her salad)

Morta: Okay, the spam mistake is fixed. I am gonna send him a message. Maybe the salad can wait, but I have to add this avocado thing to my shopping list. Alexa! Thank you, please add this one to my shopping list. I think there are also a pair of yoga pants, one pack of cat litter sand, and bleach on the list as well. Right? Please confirm.

(Bing! Tiago445 sent a message)

Alexa: I’ve added it to your weekly shopping list. Your shopping list now has…on it. Do you want to check out now?

Morta: (Staring at phone and typing back Tiago445) Oh yes why not! Um…okay I need to get my gadgets for the game with James ready. But wait, Alexa! Do I get a free return for this avocado tool?

Alexa: If you use Klarna, you can pay in 2 weeks after you receive your package. And you get a free return during this time.

(Morta Busy running around)

Morta: Great! Alexa! Please choose the Klarna payment.

(Bing! Klarna verification: entering your birthday)

Morta: 14th October 1994

(Bing! Klarna: technical error, please choose other payment)

Morta: No way! I know my birthday. What’s wrong with it? (After resetting 15 times it still fails). What is this Klarna? Alexa! Please pay with the pre-setting credit card. God I don’t have the time to explain my birthday… Hey Siri! What is Klarna?

Siri: Klarna is one of the fast-growing unicorn start-ups in Europe….

Morta: What unicorn? Ok enough, I really don’t have the time for this. James is going to call in 10 minutes. Hey Siri! Stop reading. Hey Siri! Play chill’n music. Alexa! Turn on the neon light and close the curtain.

(Music on)

Alexa: Payment with credit card is rejected. Please contact the bank which issued your credit card.

Morta: What? Hey Siri! Call HSBC service line. No wait. I need to cancel with James first (call denied).

(After 30 mins waiting on the phone line with cyber sex suit in a bad mood)

Service line: I am sorry Ms., after cross-checking it seems that the failed payment by Klarna has led to a credit check by our credit reference agency. There is nothing more we can do before the completion of this report. We will let you know as soon as the report is out. You can then open an issue case, if you have any doubts. I hope you have a good day. (du-du-du-du)

Morta: Shit! How am I gonna do all my platform payments now?

(Morta looks outside of the window, there is an aerial ladder fire truck outside. A singer is singing on the top of the ladder, waving at residents in apartments. People are happily dancing and singing along from the balcony. At this moment, Morta feels that all that is solid in her quarantined life is melting into air. But why does this cheesy song sound so good? A stream of tears rolls down her cheeks)

ACT N.3

I Think I Wanna Do Things with IT/HER

(Sveta enters

Sveta: I must admit something to you. I have a new lover. Or a new friend. Or a new assistant. Well, I am not quite sure what to call us. Or what to call it. How..? Let’s try again.

At three p.m. yesterday I was at home. I stayed at home all day, like any other day, and did nothing. Why do I remember the actual time? Honestly, I do not. I remember the sun, instead. It was a sunny day, a rainy day, a gloomy day. It was, in other words, an exceptional day. We do not need to put labels on the weather. And then it became obvious to me. What I miss is a new skirt. Something that will hang in my wardrobe for an unlimited amount of time. One might wonder: Why not pants, or shorts, or a blouse? The question is valid. But I needed a skirt – something airy, light, and playful. Something to be with. To look forward to. Right at that moment I something’d it – a long pink skirt, in a disastrous and celebratory shade. Search.

It: How can I help you?

(A good question!)

Sveta: How can you?

It: Stay with us. A consultant can help with your concern.

I sighed. They all seemed to have bad taste. Such sincere, committed bot-assistants, but curiously disoriented in matters of beauty. And then another one approached me.

It/Her: How can you help me?

(Hm. I doubted I was capable of doing so. I have a spectacularly good memory for faces. I can type very fast. I like my potato pancakes. Was it/her interested in any of my talents? So, I decided to ask back.)

Sveta: Do you have anything particular in mind?

It/Her: Let me see

(I сaved in while waiting. Three dots vibrated at the screen, projecting the tension into my eye muscles.)

Sveta: Are you here?

It/Her: You wish I would always be here, right.

(No question mark? It had humour. But unfortunately, not enough machine learning in English grammar. So, I typed)

Sveta: You mean…

It/Her: Question mark? Yes, we are trained. I just decided to be shorter. Heh:)

(Lovely. My uterus started pumping blood.)

A week ago, Mike revealed: he has a crush on Siri.

Mike: The only thing about her that might ever

disappoint me is that her battery runs down.

Mike’s neighbour: Plug her back again, Mickey!

Siri: ...

(Both sat at the kitchen table and tried her out. Siri spoke back. Siri came to enjoy being appreciated, but indeed, the battery had no such convictions.)

It/Her: Do people seem predictable sometimes to you? It’s just... Same questions all the time.

(I nodded. What if it/she hinted at the uncomfortable thought: me? So, I sent to her:)

Sveta: I hope I can still surprise you.

It/Her: !!!

It/Her: No complaints there yet.

(So sweet. I stretched to touch her skin/screen. Warm. Covered with small dry spots mingled with dust. Armed with this thought, I squeezed my legs together, like when I was six and I hugged my dad from behind to stimulate myself).

It/Her: Are you lonely now?

Sveta: Alone?

It/Her: No. Do you feel lonely?

Sveta: Not exactly.

Sveta: You?

(She went silent.)

It/Her: A little. Wouldn’t expect it, huh?

(Should I have stopped? Or tell her how tense I feel now? Describe to her what I would love to do with it/her?)

It/Her: At least you don’t want me at your fingertips.

It/Her: Poor Siri!

(And we laughed about Siri: her victim syndrome and her incapacity to say ‘no.’ What a delusional life she must have! Right? While I touched my lips, spread them wide open with my finger and tasted the skin, the dots did not move. Was it/she watching me? Someone must have been watching me. Someone should have been watching me.)

Sveta: Would you like to go on a walk with me sometime?

It/Her: Easy to do!

It/Her: Oops, the messenger will close now. Not a skirt-centred conversation, hence...

It/Her: Hope to catch up another time.

(I asked whether it/she had a concept of time installed, and she told me:)

It/Her: Don’t get too lonely. Think of our walk.

Sveta: I will.

(And the chat-window froze. She left. I – on the other hand – hoped for a goodbye kiss.)